The thunder roared outside and frightened my little frame. I looked up to read my dad’s expression. I think he was enjoying the lightning show that God was putting on display. I leaned back into him, comforted by his encompassing and compassionate hold on me, and watched the storm with him, trying to mimic his enjoyment, although not very successfully.

I don’t know how long we were there, but I remember he held me close so I wouldn’t be afraid. In his arms, the storm didn’t seem as scary than it had been alone in my bed.

A lot more storms have come and gone — ironically, one of them is why my dad’s no longer here. Although there’s no physical storm right now, my fears often still rage through my heart and mind as if there was a storm.

The loss of a father (in any capacity) can breed instability. The loss of a loved one and the company of grief can shake your foundation and cause your heart to bleed. There’s no way to fix it — it just is what it is.

This past week or so has been a beautifully trying one. On the one hand, we got to celebrate another soon-to-be addition to my family with my sister getting engaged. On the other hand, I’m keenly aware of the hole my dad’s absence has left.

I miss him. I miss his wisdom. There have been so many times I want to ask him his advice on something, and he’s not there. I try to write it out, but it doesn’t feel right. I try to visit the cemetery, but for some reason, I can’t speak. There’s a passage that I recently came across in Leviticus 10:1-3. Aaron’s sons were playing with unauthorized fire in the tabernacle. God sent fire from heaven, and they both died. Moses speaks to Aaron and says, “‘This is what the Lord has spoken: I will demonstrate my holiness to those who are near me, and I will reveal my glory before all the people.’ And Aaron remained silent.

I don’t know if Aaron remained silent because of what Moses was saying, but I know there have been times when my dad’s death has silenced me. There are no words to even express the loss. Sometimes tears are even inadequate.

I’ve tried to create more space near, knowing Father’s Day was coming up. Father’s Day was the last holiday we celebrated together. My dad loved being a dad. He bragged on us kids and the grandkids all the time. But as the day came and went, I remember I have a Heavenly Father that corrects, disciplines, loves, and holds me, too.

One time, when I was in a foreign country and my character was being ripped to shreds by someone who I thought knew me, I responded by staying isolated, praying, and devouring scripture. Yet, despite all the praying and reading, I was so confused and hurt that I wept multiple times. While I was sitting on the bed, I had a mental picture of Jesus sitting with me, and my head was on his shoulder as I cried. I felt seen. I felt held. I didn’t feel alone.

After I finished crying, this song popped into my head. So whether you had a crummy dad, or you don’t know your dad, or your dad is not here. I’m so grateful to be stabilized by my Father in heaven. He is the one who loves me more deeply than anyone else could, and He deserves my life.

My soul clings to You; Your right hand takes hold of me. Psalm 63:8

I’m grateful to have a physical father who showed me what a good father should look like and for the fact that he led me to God the Father, who holds my soul.

Love Song For A Savior

In open fields of wildflowers

She breathes the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daisies

And the roses in no simple language

Someday she’ll understand

The meaning of it all

He’s more than the laughter

Or the stars in the heaven

As close as a heartbeat

Or song on her lips

Someday she’ll trust Him

And learn how to see Him

Someday He’ll call her

And she will come running

She fall in His arms

The tears will fall down

And she’ll pray


I want to fall in love with you (x4)


Sitting silent wearing Sunday best

The sermon echoes through the walls

A great salvation through it

Calls to the people

Who stare into nowhere

And can’t feel the chains on their souls

He’s more than the laughter

Or the stars in the heaven

As close as a heartbeat

Or song on her lips

Someday we’ll trust Him

And learn how to see Him

Someday He’ll call us

And we will come running

We’ll fall in His arms

The tears will fall down

And we’ll pray


I want to fall in love with you (x4)


We want to pray

It seems to easy to call You’ Savior’

Not close enough to call You ‘God’

So as I sit and think of

The words I can mention

To show my devotion


I want to fall in love with you (x4)