Disclaimer: I wrote this in 2019 as a way to help me process my own feelings. For whatever it’s worth, I hope it helps someone else ❤️.
I have been watching a show called “Burn Notice.” It’s about an ex-spy named Michael Weston. Half of the time, you can’t tell who he’s being used and manipulated by. People have threatened his family, friends, and the very existence of who he is. He’s stuck in this trap of trying to be free. Every time he gets close, the target changes or the carrot he’s been chasing gets replaced or jerked just out of reach.
As the series continues, the closer the fight gets. If you plan to watch it, you may not want to continue reading it.
Michael and his friends have been through everything together. They become more than friends. They become each other’s family. They all get into risky and questionable situations, but there is always an underlying trust. Even if the team doesn’t understand what’s going on, they trust the one calling the shots.
One sentence in this series won’t stop playing in my head… Michael is gaining ground on the person trying to take his life away, but it requires him to sacrifice some of his newer friends. His girlfriend (Fiona) decides that if she doesn’t take herself out of the equation, Michael won’t be able to make the right call since Fiona has become the leveraging tool used by his newest adversary. He rushes to find her. When he does, she says, “I’m surrendering. I’m taking myself out. You’re losing yourself.” The reality of the situation starts to sink in for Michael. He is about to ruin other people’s lives to save Fiona. She speaks again and says, “Where do you draw the line, Michael?” And this is the part that keeps playing in my head… he says,
“There is no line when it comes to you.”
As I thought about what Michael said, I realized something. God is never going to stop coming after me. To you, this may seem like a “no-brainer,” as my Dad used to say. But, after experiencing abuse from individuals claiming to be serving God coupled with the loss of my Dad… I’ve felt like Michael. I’ve felt lost.
In the midst of the fighting, Michael had lost sight of who he was. I know that Michael said, “There is no line when it comes to Fiona.” But it was Fiona who proved it.
Later on, when Michael is about to essentially “sell his soul to the devil” because he’s gotten so confused. He wants freedom so badly, and there have been so many people after him. In the process, he’s lost so much that up he’s gotten to the point where up is down and down is up.
Fiona knows he’s fallen prey due to everything he’s been through, and he’s in the “enemy’s camp.” Walking in there could mean sudden death for her — That doesn’t stop her. She walks right into the enemy’s territory and Michael’s confusion — not knowing how he will respond to her.
In the aftermath of grief, there’s a lot of confusion, and you feel lost. The normality of having your loved one is no longer there. Your mind keeps wanting to see them back at “their place”. Like at the end of the dinner table, at his work desk, or in the rocking chair where he used to watch football. But I’m slowly beginning to realize that I have to relearn the life I live.
I have to relearn how to continue with a hole in my family and in my heart, and honor him and God in the process. I have to relearn who I am. The fact is, I’ve been changed. The Christi before losing her Dad is not the same Christi after losing her Dad. The same is true for each one of my family members. But there’s still a piece of me that is there, and that’s the piece that I’ve got to find.
And, instead of Fiona rushing in, I can picture Jesus rushing in when everyone else is running for cover. He crosses the line into my lostness. I can picture him saying, “Christi, look at me.” And just like Michael did, it takes a while because maybe you didn’t understand all that “the plan” called life entailed…
But at some point, I’ve got to ask for the strength to look up and find His eyes again. Somehow, I’ve got to walk towards the voice that has rushed in to pull me out. It starts with a looking up. He will help me relearn who I am and how to move forward, but not forget. As I do, He reminds me, “there is no line when it comes to you!”