The machines were beeping and the numbers were jumping. My Dad lay still in SICU.
He was on his way home when a rain storm rolled in on his drive home. My Dad has driven a thousand times in the rain. He’s driven thousands of miles. He’s even driven this route a dozen or more times, but this time was different.
The car hydroplaned and he slammed into a tree. But it wasn’t the back of the car. It wasn’t the front of the car. It wasn’t the passenger side of the car. It was his side of the car, more specifically, exactly where he was sitting.
We got the call, waited for more information, jumped in the car and drove 7 hours to be with him. Praying the whole way.
Mom prayed. David prayed. Brian prayed. Rachel prayed. Linda prayed. I prayed. Stephanie prayed. Jessica prayed and hundreds of people prayed. We prayed for 7 days. We prayed for healing. I prayed my Dad would walk out of that hospital room. I KNEW God could. But I didn’t know if He would.
I’d seen God deliver a sweet baby from the gripping hand of death. I had seen people get set free. I had seen marriages restored. I know of people getting healed of cancer, but my Dad? He never got out of that bed.
I still can’t process it all. I still feel like I’m walking someone else’s road. I say I feel but I haven’t really, my emotions seem to be shut off.
I prayed. As I was packing my bag before we got in the car to see my Dad, I just kept saying, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” it was my breath.
I know that name. In that name I have been saved and in that name waters have been parted, people have been given their sight, people have been raised from the dead, but my Dad? He died.
If someone were to come up to me and say, “You didn’t have enough faith” I would probably punch them in the face.
I believed, but my miracle didn’t come.
I cried and my miracle didn’t come. I begged and my miracle didn’t come.
My Dad is gone. He’s with the Jesus I cried, prayed and begged to.
So what do I do now?
I believe. I accept. And I praise.
I believe in my God who says, “My ways are not your ways”. Isaiah 55:8-9
I believe that my God “knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me (and my family) and NOT to harm me” Jeremiah 29:11
I believe that my God “Has loved me (and my family) with an everlasting love” Jeremiah 31:3
I believe my God will “work ALL things together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes” Romans 8:28
I believe that my God “Is good and does good and NO GOOD thing will He uphold from those who walk uprightly” Psalm 119:68 & Psalm 84:11
I accept that what has happened will be for my good and my families good and for the furtherance of the gospel. And I accept as Ann Voskamp says that this cross my family and I are carrying is God’s kindest decision.
I praise my God because He knows better than I. He who tasted the bitter taste of death on my behalf to give me eternal life is worthy of my life. I praise Him for choosing me and allowing me to be his servant.
So although this pill is such a hard one to swallow. This is not the road I want to be on. This is not where I want to be. The miracle I prayed so hard for and didn’t receive, I choose to leave it in my Heavenly Father’s hands. And, I choose to believe. I choose to accept and I choose to praise. I have no other option.
“I have decided to follow Jesus… no turning back… no turning back”
