I came to the table that day, as I had many other times.
I imagined me being back at my childhood church, brushing my hand over the communion table and the inscription etched into it “Do This In Remembrance Of Me.”
Thanks to our Pastor, we collectively took time to think about the weight of those words. It’s not that I hadn’t other times, but this morning, I thought to myself:
“Why did Jesus have to be broken; not just broken but pieced? His death was so violent and gruesome.”
My questions continued, “Couldn’t there have been another way to atone for my sin?”
It hit me all over again. That’s the cost and the irreparable damage of my sin.
My sin not only breaks me — it breaks others. It leaves relationships shattered, people unrecognizable, and when it festers and grows, it causes a painful ripple effect on the ones we love. It damages our thinking, it alters our behavior, and it revolts against the One our soul desperately needs.
Sin not only breaks us, it is an unyielding sword that pierced and slices us and others around us. When self takes the reigns —calamity ensues.
How often have I told myself, “I can contain it.” But we are one body. When one hurts, we all hurt. When one is broken, we all are broken. My sin sows destruction. It hurts others. It leaves me bound and unable to serve the people Jesus loves and died for. Sin is my straitjacket.
Sin leaves me and others mangled.
My head begins dropping under the weight of my sin. How could I be so selfish? How could I not care enough about others to fight my sin, so I can encourage them to keep fighting theirs?
All I can say is, “Lord,” in a desperate sigh.
Suddenly, I feel the hand of my heavenly Father underneath my chin. He raises my eyes to meet His. All I see is compassion in His eyes and a tenderness in His voice, “It is finished. I have removed your sins as far as the East is from the West.”
He lifts me up, and hugs me long and hard.
“Thank you.” Is all the words I can seem to get out.
I start to walk away when He reaches for my hand and pulls me back toward Him. I turn to face Him.
“Do you love me?” I look at Him baffled.
“Of course I do.” I say almost hurt He would have to ask.
“Will You love my people?” I look at Him, again confused.
“Loving them will be the breaking of you. Loving them will mean you will be pierced through. You will be mangled and crushed in the process, but if You trust me through it, your crushing will exude the fragrance of my Son.”
“Following me is not easy. It will tear you a part, but I am able to put You together again. To love means to be pained. To love means to be broken. To love means to be poured out for others. To love means to die to yourself so others may win. Will you love me? And will you love my people?”
I stood there letting His words wash over me. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to be crushed. I don’t want to be hurt. I think to myself.
I look back into His eyes, filled with gentle tenderness towards me.
“I do not think I am capable of what You’re asking me to do.” I say defeated, as a tear slid down my cheek.
He smiles at me, “You aren’t, but I am.”
I hold His eye contact trying to read Him.
“I am patient. I am kind. I do not envy. I do not boast. I do not walk in pride. I do not dishonor others. I do not seek self. I keep no record of wrong.”
As He continued, the weight of love overwhelmed me.
“I do not delight in evil, but rejoice in truth. I always protect. I always trust. I always hope. I always persevere. I never fail.”
“But you will fail, and that’s why you need Me. Come to Me and I will teach you that life is not about yourself. It’s not just about fighting sin. It’s a love relationship with me, and I will show you how to love well. I will fill you up to overflowing. I will put My Words in your mouth. I will make your heart of stone into a heart of flesh. I will be with you in the dark valleys and strengthen you for the mountain hikes. I am for You and not against you. I will uphold you with My right hand. I long to be gracious to you. But, will you surrender? Will you let go of the sin that so easily entangles you? Will you set your expectation down and let mine expectation lead you? There is nothing I ask of you that my grace cannot sustain.”
I dropped to my knees and traded my sin for His love. Still uncertain what this journey will mean. I know I will need the reminder of my sin regularly, so that I can see His great love for me. It is because of his great love and His mercy that I am not consumed.
I then whisper, “I give you back the life I owe.”
