The thunder roared outside and frightened my little frame. I looked up to read my dad’s expression. I think he was enjoying the lightning show that God was putting on display. I leaned back into him, comforted by his encompassing and compassionate hold on me, and watched the storm with him, trying to mimic his enjoyment, although not very successfully.
I don’t know how long we were there, but I remember he held me close so I wouldn’t be afraid. In his arms, the storm didn’t seem as scary than it had been alone in my bed.
A lot more storms have come and gone — ironically, one of them is why my dad’s no longer here. Although there’s no physical storm right now, my fears often still rage through my heart and mind as if there was a storm.
The loss of a father (in any capacity) can breed instability. The loss of a loved one and the company of grief can shake your foundation and cause your heart to bleed. There’s no way to fix it — it just is what it is.
This past week or so has been a beautifully trying one. On the one hand, we got to celebrate another soon-to-be addition to my family with my sister getting engaged. On the other hand, I’m keenly aware of the hole my dad’s absence has left.
I miss him. I miss his wisdom. There have been so many times I want to ask him his advice on something, and he’s not there. I try to write it out, but it doesn’t feel right. I try to visit the cemetery, but for some reason, I can’t speak. There’s a passage that I recently came across in Leviticus 10:1-3. Aaron’s sons were playing with unauthorized fire in the tabernacle. God sent fire from heaven, and they both died. Moses speaks to Aaron and says, “‘This is what the Lord has spoken: I will demonstrate my holiness to those who are near me, and I will reveal my glory before all the people.’ And Aaron remained silent.“
I don’t know if Aaron remained silent because of what Moses was saying, but I know there have been times when my dad’s death has silenced me. There are no words to even express the loss. Sometimes tears are even inadequate.
I’ve tried to create more space near, knowing Father’s Day was coming up. Father’s Day was the last holiday we celebrated together. My dad loved being a dad. He bragged on us kids and the grandkids all the time. But as the day came and went, I remember I have a Heavenly Father that corrects, disciplines, loves, and holds me, too.
One time, when I was in a foreign country and my character was being ripped to shreds by someone who I thought knew me, I responded by staying isolated, praying, and devouring scripture. Yet, despite all the praying and reading, I was so confused and hurt that I wept multiple times. While I was sitting on the bed, I had a mental picture of Jesus sitting with me, and my head was on his shoulder as I cried. I felt seen. I felt held. I didn’t feel alone.
After I finished crying, this song popped into my head. So whether you had a crummy dad, or you don’t know your dad, or your dad is not here. I’m so grateful to be stabilized by my Father in heaven. He is the one who loves me more deeply than anyone else could, and He deserves my life.
My soul clings to You; Your right hand takes hold of me. Psalm 63:8
I’m grateful to have a physical father who showed me what a good father should look like and for the fact that he led me to God the Father, who holds my soul.
In open fields of wildflowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies
And the roses in no simple language
Someday she’ll understand
The meaning of it all
He’s more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heaven
As close as a heartbeat
Or song on her lips
Someday she’ll trust Him
And learn how to see Him
Someday He’ll call her
And she will come running
She fall in His arms
The tears will fall down
And she’ll pray
I want to fall in love with you (x4)
Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it
Calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere
And can’t feel the chains on their souls
He’s more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heaven
As close as a heartbeat
Or song on her lips
Someday we’ll trust Him
And learn how to see Him
Someday He’ll call us
And we will come running
We’ll fall in His arms
The tears will fall down
And we’ll pray
I want to fall in love with you (x4)
We want to pray
It seems to easy to call You’ Savior’
Not close enough to call You ‘God’
So as I sit and think of
The words I can mention
To show my devotion
I want to fall in love with you (x4)
