I was one of twelve chosen, I still don’t know why I was picked. Some were related and others complete strangers. Some had a radical turn around and some just quietly left to follow. But we were a force to be reckoned with.
I have never felt so passionately about anything in my life, which is probably why it was easier for me to say goodbye to the life I once knew. Being with these men made me feel alive. I had a purpose. I had a reason to live. Sure, some of the things our leader said were different. A lot of things I didn’t understand, but he was patient and he cared. Besides, I saw so many things I never even thought were possible. Food overflowing from a simple basket, water being turned into wine, lepers cleansed, the blinded eyes restored, the deaf able to hear and the dead being raised.
I knew I was headed in the right direction. I felt as if I were born for this. I could never grow tired of this life. I never knew what was coming next. I’d sometimes be frightened that things wouldn’t pan out; like the one time we crossed the sea and the storm rolled in, but then He walked on water! Or, that time when we had fished all night and caught nothing to eat. I almost lost it when He told us to throw the net on the other side; like we hadn’t done that 100x already! But, true to His word, we had more fish than we knew what to do with. I don’t know how He did it.
Then there was that day that He called us together and said:
Do not go among the Gentiles or enter any town of the Samaritans. Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel. As you go, proclaim this message: The kingdom of heaven has come near.’ Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give. Do not get any gold or silver or copper to take with you in your belts— no bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandals or a staff, for the worker, is worth his keep. Whatever town or village you enter, search there for some worthy person and stay at their house until you leave. As you enter the home, give it your greeting. 13 If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. 14 If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Truly I tell you, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town (Matthew 10:5-15)
Heal the sick? Raise the dead? Cleanse the Leper? Drive out demons? I thought that was His job. I thought only He could do that. But, we went out anyways. He didn’t really negotiate with His commands.
It was incredible! We did those things. I actually did those things. I was so tired when we returned, but it was exhilarating. I felt invincible. I couldn’t believe I was chosen to do this. This MAN had changed the course of my life forever.
But after we got back, things started to change. I had learned to love our leader like I never loved anyone in my life. I loved to hear him teach. I tried to protect Him at any costs. But He started saying things like, I must go to Jerusalem, and suffer many things from the elders and the chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and raised the third day” (Matt. 16:21)
I didn’t understand why He’d say these horrible things. Suffer? Be killed? Was this a new parable? I thought to myself. HE must be using those words in a different way than I think.
Tension started rising among the scribes, elders, and priests. I knew they didn’t like what He was doing… But I thought they would come around. How could you not like this MAN? But, the more time passed, the more the tension grew. I was growing a little more concerned, but then, I’d witness another miracle, or have another long talk with Him. He knew just how to settle my uneasy heart.
Then, the most wonderful thing happened! He was given a King’s welcome! The moment we all had been waiting for. We knew He was going to reign; and now, it was coming to pass! People were throwing down their tunics so He could ride on something other than the ground. The people were shouting. I had tears in my eyes from the sheer joy of it all. Our King is here. It was such a wonderful day. I never knew so much joy could be contained in such a short amount of daylight.
A week passed and I still felt like I was floating from all that had transpired a week prior. He decided to have a dinner with us all. It was a quiet night, but it was nice for it to just be us. It seemed we always had others around. But something was different about Him. He looked sad. He and Judas had a brief discussion and then Judas left. I didn’t think much of it because it was Judas. He always had his own ideas about things.
But He started worrying me. He made sure we had wine and bread and He said, drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom. (Matt 26:227-29)
His blood? The phrases He spoke months earlier came flooding into my mind: I must suffer, and be killed. It’s just a parable, it’s just a parable I continued to repeat to myself.
Later that night, we went to the garden we sometimes went to. I was so full of dinner I fell fast asleep. He asked us to stay awake, but I didn’t think it was that important. We prayed all the time. I think we had enough prayer to cover us that night.
But then something woke me up. I heard a crowd. I immediately woke the other two disciples with me. I saw Judas, but he was with the scribes. Whatever this was, didn’t sit right with me. I was too fearful to stand beside our leader, so I hid not too far away. I couldn’t hear very well, but I saw Judas kiss Him.
Suddenly, the soldiers, who had accompanied the scribes and Judas, bound His hands. Nooooo, I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to be heard. I knelt down and wept. I was so angry at myself for not staying awake to pray… Why are they taking Him?
Eventually, I learned where they had taken my beloved leader. I went there immediately. He was being question, accused and then they took Him outside to be beaten and whipped. Tears poured out of my eyes and down my cheeks. Why? Why is this happening? Why don’t they believe Him? He’s the most compassionate man I have ever met. One lash turned to two, two lashes into four, four into thirty-nine. I couldn’t watch anymore. He was barely recognizable.
I found a place to cry until I felt as though I had nothing left in me… I decided I needed to go back. When I did, I found my beloved friend and my hero hanging, like a criminal, on a cross. People were shouting at Him, “Save yourself.”
I prayed to God, His Father, to give Him the strength to get off that cross. It wasn’t too much. I still had hope, despite the fear. I’d seen Him do miracles on top of miracles. Time pressed on and still, He hung there.
The sky began to grow dark, it felt like I was watching a picture of my own heart. I saw Him struggling to breathe. The ground began to shake and He cried out, My God, My God why have you forsaken me. (Matt 27:46) Never before had I ever heard Him say anything close to this. He was always talking about how He and His Father were one and that if we knew Him, we knew the Father. I couldn’t understand what I was seeing.
My heart was breaking in me; yet, I had seen this same man bring back others from the gripping hand of death. I couldn’t make sense of it.
Then He said, it is finished and He breathed His last. A groan from the deepest part of my soul came out. I fell to my knees, NOOOOO, Jesus, Noooooo…. This cannot be…. Please, God, you can’t take Him!
It all moved so quickly; yet, it also felt like time stood still. He was taken down and buried. I couldn’t grasp what was happening. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn’t connect my mind with the reality in front of me. The tears came easily as my heart was broken into a million pieces, but my mind was still not able to process it.
This MAN was my life. I left everything to follow Him. Everything I believed in revolves around His words. How could we do all that we did and the outcome be standing at His grave? So many questions flooded my mind. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of my cot. Fear encompassed me. The moment He died, something inside of me died.
I don’t remember much of that Saturday. But Sunday I heard a stirring of women…
What? I questioned.
He died, I saw His, don’t mess with me, I already have enough to process. I said.
No, He’s alive they insisted.
I ran all over looking for Him. When suddenly, He found us… I couldn’t believe my eyes! He was here. One day turned into two, and two into four, and four into forty. He was with us for forty days. But, this time, it was different.
Part of me doubted. I knew He was the way to eternal life but so much of this MAN I just did not understand. He did everything backward. Why did He have to die? Why cause all of us and His own mom and family so much grief? Why couldn’t He just saved Himself, and not put all of us, including Himself through that agonizing situation?
But, I noticed one thing. After His death, I listened more carefully to what He said. He allowed a great wound in my heart to awake my ears and heart to listen more intentionally. Losing Him once made me more grateful for the time I had with Him and the people around me. I was also grateful for His love for me. One breathes more deeply and feels more intensely when pained.
He told us He’d have to leave, and this time I knew it was not another parable. He would really be leaving and handing us the mantle.
So, the day came. Before He left, He instructed us to, go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the earth.
He said His goodbyes and ascended to heaven. To be honest, the mayhem from all the chaos in the past month or so caused us a lot of fear. We all were a little lost after He left. He’d left us with more instruction than the first time, but we were hoping His next return would be around the corner, but as time passed we realized we had a mantle to carry and a gospel to spread…
After a large gathering, known as the Day of Pentecost, the church began and the gates of Hell have not and will never prevail against it!
This is wonderful! I feel what you are sharing you write the story so well.
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Thank you for always reading ❤️
Beautiful portrayal of your experience.