I sat down January 1st and wrote my goals for 2017. Then I realized that this year may possibly be the death of my dreams and goals.

It is not that I have no hopes, dreams and goals. In fact, the last few months I have had more dreams, hopes and goals than I ever have. However, what if my hopes, dreams and goals don’t line up with God’s desire for my life? What if His goals look differently than mine?

What if writing a book brings more glory to me than Him? I pray that would never be the case, but I am capable of the worst sin. What if God knew that the best thing for me was to suffer? Because in suffering, I have sweet fellowship with Him. What if this year entails more loss? What if it means not getting married? What if it means to be away from my family? Am I okay with the death of my dreams for the fulfillment of God?

After I wrote my dreams and goals for 2017, I wrestled through these questions. I felt like I was slowly dying. Dreams and desires tend to be deep seating within the human heart.  But what if, instead of fighting to achieve them,  I let them go?

The verse that came to mind was John 12:24 which says, “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” So in a sense, by laying down my will, I’m killing my will.

In all honesty, this is very difficult for me. It’s a hard pill to swallow- especially lately. I have so much I want to do, and I am so excited about the possibilities. I really want some things. I want to fight for what I want. I was reminded again last night that it’s not about me. It’s about Jesus. It’s about His will- not mine!

If He is asking for my dreams and desire – He can have them. He is the one who places certain desires in our hearts. I believe that sometimes those desires get fulfilled, and sometimes those desires are to strengthen and weaken me at the same time. Strengthen my dependence on Him, and weaken my dependence on myself.

So, I hit a few punching bags and prayed. I prayed that God would kill the dreams that aren’t from Him.

I want to have an open hand. So, if that means I never get married or never live close to family, or never become much of anything in the world’s standard – okay. Let it be what it may. My ultimate goal this year should be to love God better than I have any other year. Ultimately, that is the reason I live.

I hope that when God sees me, He knows that if He asked me to do hard things for Him-I would.

This day, this month, this year, this life is NOT about me but about Christ. I want to be more in love with the dream-giver than the dream and desires.

So I may have taken a moment to grieve. I took a moment to let go of certain things and cried. Then, I got back up, wiped my tears and got going.

I’ve learned it’s okay to cry over things that God tells us no to. We are human. But we cannot dwell on the loss. We have to, by faith, keep moving. It is not easy. Like I said, I punched and kicked a few punching bags to get out my frustration. But God is a good Father and His desires and dreams for us are ALWAYS better than ours. They may not be what we expect, but they are good.

Please take a moment to listen to this song (Once and for All – Lauren Daigle):

Let the letting go begin and the loving start <3!