If you know me, I am not a verbal processor (I process through writing), and if I can not figure things out in my own head and get it on paper, I feel silenced. But Iโ€™ve been trying to force myself to write and to take the next step.

There have been more months than not that Iโ€™ve felt numb. Itโ€™s so hard for me to talk about the accident last summer. Itโ€™s so hard for me to talk about that week. And itโ€™s especially hard for me to look at pictures.

Things that happened behind closed doors in a hospital room feel sacred and should only be shared with those you trust because quite frankly youโ€™re inviting those people into your hurt. Into a place where words fall short and emotions and logic are unreliable.

The fact if the matter is, some cannot be trusted with your experience. It could do more damage to your already mangled heart. Please understand, I am not trying to be mean, but several times I spoke up to people and it made it worseโ€ฆ I know they mean well, but itโ€™s too sensitive of a topic to discuss with just anyoneโ€” even some friends. Itโ€™s not that you canโ€™t be friends, but this topic should just be left out of your catch up talks. And thatโ€™s hard too because what happened inside those hospital walls have now become a part of youโ€ฆ and that you cannot always be shared.

I purposely havenโ€™t reached out to some because they donโ€™t understand. The littlest things could hurt more than you know. Iโ€™ve gotten hurt several times and had I not lost my dad, I donโ€™t know that I would trust myself with the sacred information of loss. I still donโ€™t.

Ironically, Iโ€™ve found, that there are some people that become closer because of loss. And some times you become friends with the most unlikely of people because they share the same grief road that neither of you foresaw being on.

I decided to write on grief for two reasons:

1) This week will be one year since my Dadโ€™s accidentโ€ฆ And, I still canโ€™t wrap my head around the fact that heโ€™s gone.

2) Because I havenโ€™t found much help on the topicโ€” maybe Iโ€™m looking in the wrong places, but recently, I finally found a good podcast on it. It was like a breath of fresh air. I thought, โ€œthis guy knows. He gets it.โ€

Before last summer, grief was just a word to me. Yes, I have lost two new found friends, and three grandparents, but nothing prepares you for the moment your mom walks in the door and tells you, โ€œDadโ€™s been in an accident. Iโ€™m waiting for the police officer to call back with more information.โ€ And the phone from your sister, after she arrived at the hospital and says, “Youโ€™ve got to come. I donโ€™t know if heโ€™s going to make it.โ€

Several weeks ago, I went on Facebook and on three separate occasions I saw a post from three different families about a loss in their family. My heart aches for them because I know theyโ€™re now thrusted against their will onto this what feels like God-forsaken road called โ€œGrief.โ€

Grief feels like youโ€™ve been on vacation, relaxing on the beach soaking up the warm sun, and suddenly youโ€™re picked up and dropped in the middle of the a turbulent ocean. Youโ€™re fighting to stay above the cold waves smashing into your face as you look up and see youโ€™re surrounded by dark skies. The chaos causes fear and panic. On top of that you feel as though there is a rope around your ankle trying to pull you under. And yet, somehow, youโ€™re supposed to get back to the shore that you simply cannot see. You feel like you can barely stay afloat and sometimes, you do get pulled under, but you know you have to fight to stay above the waves. Nothing seems sure and it feels like no one understands and no one can see.

People will be talking about their life (on the beach) and all you can think of is โ€œIโ€™m about to drown!โ€ But, in real life, if you brought up your situation, youโ€™d make others feel badโ€ฆ So you keep silent fighting every wave that threatens your existence. I donโ€™t remember hearing one thing someone said that has helpedโ€ฆ Words fall shortโ€ฆ But you know what has helped? Having someone understand and having someone be there.

I think we as a culture are so scared of not saying something โ€ฆ Instead of having the courage to just let silence speak and linger while we hand someone a tissue and create a safe place for them to let their tears fall. Some of the most helpful times were when a friend just let silence sit in the midst of usโ€ฆ tears were allowed and those tears became a gift.

I have a friend who lost her Dad just a few months before I lost mine. After I lost my Dad, I apologized to herโ€ฆ I said I was sorry because I had no idea how hard it was to lose a Dad โ€” even though I thought I knew.

People forget about your loss after the service, or, if youโ€™re blessed with amazing friends, a few months after that. We all do, me includedโ€ฆ But when youโ€™ve lost someone, and someone elseโ€™s loses someone else after you, you remember because you know the pain. Because, you will forever have a hole in your heart and so will they. Youโ€™ve been branded forever by grief.

What most people donโ€™t remember is (including me before this) there will ALWAYS be someone missing in my family. We will NEVER all be together on this earth. Family get together will always be bitter sweet because there will ALWAYS be an empty chair. As Nicholas Wolterstorff put it in his book, The Lament of a Son:

“Only our death will stop the pain of his death.โ€

Do we look like we are drowning from the outside? No, we look fine. But on the inside there is an incredibly dark storm that makes us want to quit nearly every day. It makes us not want to not wake up in the morning. It makes us just want to go to heavenโ€” Now.

The reality of grief brings waves that threaten our hope, heightens our fears, and tests our resolve. It pulls at the very fiber of our being and the foundation of our faith.

If God is sovereign, and I believe He is, what is the purpose of this? Itโ€™s too much heartache for one human heart to bear. It seems downright cruel. My Dad had 23 grandkids when he diedโ€ฆ 2 will never know their โ€œPadgeโ€ and several will not remember him. My sister and I will never have the privilege of having him โ€œapproveโ€ who we date or have him walk us down the aisle. Although, he said he cared more about preforming the ceremony than walking us down the aisle. We will miss that too.

I used to think that people that posted often about their loved ones werenโ€™t very strongโ€ฆ I am ashamed to even write thatโ€ฆ But, I didnโ€™t understand why theyโ€™d always post dates. I simply didnโ€™t understand the magnitude of the weight that grief brings. The loss of a loved oneโ€™s life alters every life that, that loved oneโ€™s life became a part of.

It wrecks you. And the worst part about it is that you never asked for it. Itโ€™s like a wrecking ball was dropped into your life youโ€™re somehow supposed to figure out how to go on with it and somehow make order out of the life it just wrecked. You canโ€™t just put it down. Itโ€™s a part of you now. I hear that grief lessens over time, but it doesnโ€™t ever go awayโ€ฆ. How could it?! I will always miss my Dad.

Unfortunately, grief is a part of life. Which to say that sounds oxymoronic because grief is brought about by the absence of a life. Iโ€™m on this road and I still donโ€™t understand it. Itโ€™s confusing, itโ€™s hard to know how to share it and hurts more than words can expressโ€ฆ Speaking about the events that took place last summer have muted me because I feel like Iโ€™ll fall apart if I visit that road again.

But, the one thing that is a comfort is the people who do understandโ€ฆ And although, Iโ€™ve doubted His plan for my life more times than I care to count, Jesus is the โ€œA Man of sorrows and acquainted with griefโ€ฆSurely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.โ€

God chose to face grief so that when my grief came without my consent, He’d know how to walk me down the road…

Quite frankly, I canโ€™t wait for the day where there will be no more pain and no more griefโ€ฆ

Thanks for reading and being a part of my journey.

Note: this picture was taken by a family friend the morning my Dad passed. My brother (Brian) and sister (Rachel) and my Mom stayed by my Dad’s side until he passed. Linda, Stephanie, Jessica and I were at the hotel when they pulled up… Somehow we all ended up in the same place in the parking lot. We hugged, cried and prayed… I don’t know what I’d do without them and my brother (David) who joined us later… Hard times but we face them together.